Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
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Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
men are simple creatures
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Haha! 😂
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
LOL
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.