If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
You Might Also Like
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.