They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
My beach vacation Google searches
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”