wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.