The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Just grow your own
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro