“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
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I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Worst perfume name ever.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?