Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.