Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car