I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
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Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
We’ve all been there…
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.