If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Cannot stop laughing at this
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.