I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot