Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
You Might Also Like
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.