No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.