My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
The news
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..