Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
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You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.