The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
#oldknees
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.