Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.