WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I’m literally crying
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.