Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis