I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
looks legit
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.