Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
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How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?