once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium