Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan