[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
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A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Passwords are more important than ever.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…