Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Doctors texting each other.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.