Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
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her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.