just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
You Might Also Like
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.