I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
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[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Lmao
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.