In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
You Might Also Like
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Woke up against my better judgement again
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!