You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
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I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster