If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
You Might Also Like
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
the three genders
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
ugh not again
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath