The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?