Shark week, but for squirrels.
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
How did we not see this back then?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.