I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
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Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
The best shot in the history of golf
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended