ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I hope it’s French Onion!