When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Yes, but it was never about money
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
all bases covered
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus