Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
scrabbled eggs
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: