[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
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Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
The struggle is real.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers