Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs