I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
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Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
it’s the silliest best thing
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.