knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
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The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that