My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
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That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Not today.. 😂
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.