Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
You Might Also Like
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.