at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
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Waiting for the Charmin
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
They’re the worst 😩
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
*looks at you in batman voice*
He’s cranky this morning
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.