You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Lmfao
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
good work, everybody
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Yup….perfect score!