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Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”