My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
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a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
waiting for halloween be like:
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?