If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
seems fine
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.