Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.