“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way